“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
jesus, what did this guy do
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit