Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.