—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
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My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Story of my life…..
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.