—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
taking June’s advice to heart
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
🖕🏻👽
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me