Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

The happy life.. 😊

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.