Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.