WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
