Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

peak technology

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*