“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat