“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE