“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.