“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Every house has this drawer
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.