“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.