I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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Morning.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did