“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
some Old Testament wisdom
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.