“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
You are what you delete.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
