“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
So inspired right now.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.