“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Proctologist = Analyst
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Thrilling chase underway
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.