Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Note to self: I am a note

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

#growingpains

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”