“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
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Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
me linking you to my twitter
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
The French cow says MEUX…
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
So we got a goldfish…
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD