@markedly

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

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@jellybnbonanza

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

@Nickadoo

If you set fire to LMFAO they’ll become ROTFLMAO.

@literally_is_me

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

@LittlestSlobo

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

@LawrWard

Disney are remaking Home Alone. This is a petition for them to re-cast 38 year old Macauley Culkin as 9 year old Kevin McCallister and have nobody in the film acknowledge it.

@primawesome

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

@PuckingItUp

Nothing says “I’m a shitty parent but at least I’m rich” like giving your 2 year old an iPad.

@PinkCamoTO

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.