What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
pls suprot
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.