What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
The struggle is real
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
10/10 no notes
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT