What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
.. do you even science?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
OKAY DAD
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.