“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Always the camel, never the toe.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it