Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything