Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.