What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
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I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name