What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
You Might Also Like
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
water it, i dare you
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney