Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

turning my gender off to conserve energy

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

😭😭😭😭