If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
yea so i messed up lol
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016