WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.