What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.