What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
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If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.