What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
You Might Also Like
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.