Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Writing, She Murdered.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Dance like you’re not the father

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.