Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

My dress code is business-casualty.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?