Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

middle school in the ’90s

This poor dog

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Seductively sings in Klingon.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.