“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I beg your pardon?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Tammy is short for Tamuel
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
LOL
