“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Aight bet
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
this is literally a CIA plant
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
bought wrong eggs
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale