“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Am I having a stroke?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale