Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

ㅤ

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Rather alarming headline…

*eats only grass-fed donuts

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage