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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”