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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?