What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.