What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Animal poetry
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Safety first
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.