What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Real House Wines.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.