What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The booster protects against what, now?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities