What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
do horses think humans are hats
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.