What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.