What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
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Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*exercises sarcastically*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente