What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
No, he would not have.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
this is a sign that you need a union
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
What number SPF blocks people?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?