What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
This one’s “Alex”.