What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌