What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
BaD BoY!!
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
oppen heimer style lol
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.