What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Bruh 😂
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
adam and eve had first world problems
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp