What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
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my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Grandmother clock.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.