What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.