What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Teamwork makes the dream work.