@karanbirtinna

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

@Samigrl2

“Do what you love & the money will follow.”

Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.

And now, I wait…

@JillianKarger

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

@kentgrossarth

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

@graceupongracie

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

@PPathole

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

@MyMomologue

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

@junejuly12

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

@crownjuul

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you