Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.