“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”
Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know
You Might Also Like
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
THIS HEADLINE
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.