“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog