What base is it when your husband accepts your LinkedIn invitation?

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When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.


Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.


I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.


Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.


10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.


Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman


*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying


I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.