My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.
What base is it when your husband accepts your LinkedIn invitation?
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When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-
gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.