@SickChristine

What base is it when your husband accepts your LinkedIn invitation?

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@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@notalogin

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

@TheKenyan_

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.

@SteveKoehler22

Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

@notchyos

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman

@jake_likes_naps

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

@MrFornicator

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.