What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
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Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.