What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
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EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
wut hotdog?
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please