What Bob, you’re interrupting.
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DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
