What Bob, you’re interrupting.
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protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
found a horse’s reddit account
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
i wonder why they stopped looking
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet