What Bob, you’re interrupting.
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[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk