Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

good news everyone

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
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3.
4.
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6.
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8.
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10. He is a cat.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come