What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.