Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me