What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.