Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit